Tagged: winter meetings halladay holliday baseball

How to make the Winter Meetings cool again

      So let me give you the gist of things. I had about 2 solid hours of sleep yesterday from 7 am to 9 am, did Christmas shopping from 10 am to 1:30 pm, and ate Wendy’s from 2 pm to 3 pm ( I took a while considering I still hadn’t officially woken up yet, plus Wendy’s is something I want to cherish for as long as possible because, that itself, is like Christmas. If you rush it, you won’t be able to enjoy it and  truly understand what it all really means.) Around 4 pm, after watching another phenomenal episode of Deadliest Catch on Netflix, I started to doze off. My girlfriend, who was with me all day, said I should take a nap for a while. I wholeheartedly agreed. She said she would come wake me up after she watched another episode, which is fine considering that I watched 7 episodes in 2 days, and she’s seen only 3 of them in about a week ( I’m telling you, I REALLY like this show.) So here we are now, it’s 12:49 am as I type this, and I swear to you, I don’t know what just happened. I think around 5:15-ish, I remember her asking me if I was getting up, and replied something to the likes of, “sme stratal in I dun othr n smowl”, which of course in standard English translates to “I think I’m going to stay in bed for just a little bit longer if you don’t mind.” That, I guess prompted her to leave. I need answers. And maybe professional help. In due time, I suppose.

      Now that we got that out on the table, I present to my list of ideas (demands) on how to make the Winter Meetings appeal to the masses. Now I don’t know about you, but seeing that the meetings have been moved to the Indy Convention Center got me more giddy than a 6th grade girl meeting Zac Effron. Or is it the guy from Twilight who looks like a deformed lizard? I just can’t keep up anymore, I need to re-subscribe to Tiger Beat. But, I digress.

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The MLB can make this ‘The Winter Meetings To End All Winter Meetings’ with my ideas (demands). Here’s just one of them: When a ranked free agent can’t decide by the end of the Meetings what team he wants to sign with, he can have the option of getting the GMs of the teams he’s interested in and bring them just 4.3 miles to the northwest of the Convention Center to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway. Here, there will be nationally televised events in which the GMs will settle their differences on the track for the, oh say, “ROY HALLADAY 500.” Or perhaps the, “JASON BAY 300.” Or, prehaps the, “FERNANDO RODNEY
125″ ( Hey, it could happen. And the reason I only put 125 laps is because, well, would you want to race more than that for Rodney? I thought not.) Plus, who of us here wouldn’t want to see Brain Cashman and Theo Epstien race to the checkered flag for the rights to claim Halladay? I, for one hate the concept of NASCAR, but they would get most of the MLB demographic to watch at least 1 of there races, and that would probably make them lots of money with advertisments and ticket sales and what not. Oh, and if your thinking, ‘What about the weather?’ just stop. Weather will not be a factor because I’m sure most GMs would race through a blizzard to get their hands on Matt Holliday. I think this idea is borderline foolproof.

      For those free agents who don’t have that luxury ( I’m looking at you, Craig Counsell) they have the option of the less exciting, still marketable Ro-Sham-Bo, or Rock Paper Scissors. Look, if ESPN has the cojones to air Dominoes Tournaments, they should have no problem snatching up this cash cow. The rules are simple, win 2 out of 3 and you get the rights to the player. GMs can only use rock, paper, or scissor hand signals. Illegal maneuvers include  volcano, gun, and the super scissor. Special ‘do or die’ hand signals for when you are down are lizard and Spock. For an idea of what beats what, I have created a chart for such events.
Game-Rock-Paper-Scissors-Lizard-Spock-Review.jpg      While these are the primary ideas, I have many more in the developing stages. My ostrich jousting idea is still up in the air due to the fact that Homeland Security will still not allow me to bring these fine creatures over the border. The Dance-off is a sure-fire winner, but every time I think if Billy Beane dropping hand stands and head-spins while Jim Leyland busts out some trash talk, I have to check my reality and wonder how this ever occurred in my mind. I’m just about done here so if you have any ideas, please send them my way and when I deliver these ideas to Bud Selig and the board, I will be sure to give credit where credit is due. But I can’t promise anything.
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Carpe Diem,

David Anthony Rufo